A little stability... Please?

If you stand, stand.

    If you sit, sit.

But don't wobble!

     ----  Zen Master Ummon 

(quoted from The Art of Pilgrimage by Phil Cousineau)

     I've been thinking about stability.  My mind turns easily to the word as I catch myself leaning precariously in one direction or another  or as I look at the crutches propped up on a wall just beyond me and wonder if I can make one hop over to them.  Before I left the hospital I was visited by a physical therapist.  First she showed me how to use a walker to move around.  She thought it would be best because of its stability.  Now you would think that with the four legs of a walker plus my one usable leg I'd have lots of stability.  Yet I found out quickly that it's not good to lean on just one side, and it is not helpful to try to reach too far for it (as I did the first evening home and ended up on the floor).
     However, the walker is starting to really hurt my hands.  There is no cushion to the handles of where the walker is  grasped so I got a soft winter scarf, cut it lengthwise down the middle and wrapped half of it on each grip.  That helped for a while, but my wrists still need a break.  So now I'm trying to use my crutches more often.  Again, you would think that two crutches plus one good leg would equal some stability -- but give me two legs any day!  I've been practicing with the crutches more often the past couple of days, but they are still a bit elusive, and again I've ended up on the floor.  I have no idea what happened when I went down the other morning!
     So it was interesting to read the words of Zen Master Ummon today as I contemplate stability.  When I stand, I can stand.  When I sit, I can sit.  When I try to move?  ...Unfortunately, "wobbly" is probably the best word.
      As I think about it, pilgrimage seems to be connected to stability.  We go on pilgrimage and are changed slowly but certainly inside.  We get stronger physically (and perhaps improve with walkers and crutches as we [I] practice).  But the real work is going on inside. 
      One thing that keeps us unstable is to follow another person's dream.  Often our parents think we will be more stable if we are in a well-paying position as a lawyer, doctor, banker, etc.  But it will only bring stability if it is our calling, our dream, our deep desire. 
     I remember the evening I told my parents that I was answering a call to diaconal ministry in the United Methodist Church.  My mom wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night.  She had never interfered with the variety of jobs I had held, but as we talked the next day I learned that she could tolerate them because they allowed me to pay my bills, to keep my life stable in her eyes.  My mom had been raised as the youngest of 8 children by a single mother who divorced when mom was 3 years old.  Mom was 7 when the depression hit and she knew first-hand the terror of my grandmother not having enough house-cleaning jobs, wall-papering opportunities, laundry to take care of.  She knew the fear that my grandmother felt as my mother waded through flood water in the root cellar to rescue the jar with the "tax money" in it - the money gradually being set aside for taxes on the house so it would not be lost.
     So when my mom heard me talk about ministry, she pictured poverty and instability.  It took quite a bit to assure her that I would be okay (though I have to say, I was not really certain).  I couldn't explain it to her then, I was still learning about trusting God (and of course, still am), but as I have moved through the years I have found that it is when I move towards instability, which requires more trusting in God, I have actually ended up with more stability.  Of course it's that way... God just loves a paradox.  Perhaps this journey with God provides a stability similar to walking on two legs.  Doesn't seem like it should be more stable than a leg and a walker, or a leg and two crutches - but it is.  Of course, I've practiced walking on two legs much longer than using a walker or crutches.   Likewise, I continue to practice trusting in God, to feel more familiar with hearing God's call, to pray unceasingly so all in my life will be made more stable by my relationship with God.  I may be "wobbly" in my standing on one leg with crutches, but hopefully I will not be "wobbly" in my relationship with God.
     So if you find yourself drawn towards a instability, ask if it might not be God messing with you.  May God be with you in the journey.
     ^"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."  

Colossians 2:6&7